The Art of Loneliness...

Hey There!

So how is everyone doing?? I've been thinking about doing this blog post for a while now, but I guess it as just something I never actually wanted to complete. But now I'm here, writing this post, and hopefully some people will be able to relate. 

So when I started university in September, I knew it was going to be a struggle for me. I'm not a very outgoing person, I get nervous talking to new people, so going to a place where I knew absolutely no-one seemed like one of the scariest things in the world. Looking back on it now, I don't really know what I had to worry about. Everyone there was in the same boat, and we are all just stumbling through university. I've realised you need social support. You need people that you can moan to, and go out for lunch with, and just be plain stupid with. And if I'm being honest, I have very few of these people. I mean, I have one person. 

All but one of my friends moved away for university, but this last friend works most days now so it's hard to see her. As a group, we haven't necessarily lost contact, but we don't talk as much as we used to. When we are all around we have a really good time, and we do all really miss each other, but I can see now we all have our own separate lives. I miss this contact. Being so far away from everyone at uni, and living just with my parents, they are mostly the only people I talk to now. I miss the friendships I used to have. When people just lived around the corner and I can go and see them whenever. But now, I spend a lot of my time with my own thoughts. 

Spending time thinking to myself is not good for me. I went through a tough time a couple of years ago, and last year was tough again. I don't want to burden other people will my problems, so I keep them to myself a lot. I know this isn't a good thing to do. But until the summer, when all my friends come home, it will have to do. I'm not going to tell them my problems, I can push them aside for a couple of months and forget about them. It's not exactly a long-term solution but it gets me through day-to-day. Don't get me wrong, I am a loner. I like spending time on my own and listening to music and watching TV. But I miss being able to go for coffee with friends and actually go out, because that isn't fun to do on my own. 

I don't really know why I wrote all this to be honest. I have no idea how much sense any of this made, I just needed to get it off my chest. This is a sort of therapy for me and a way of accepting who I am. And I know that now. I need to use this blog more often. I need to get my thoughts across no matter how small or stupid. I need to just get them out there so I don't self destruct. 

Girl Without a Plan, Making Plans

xoxo

End of a Chapter, Start of a New Book

Hi There!

So 2015 has ended and it has been such a mix of emotions for a year. There have been moments this year when I have been so elated I don't think I could be any happier, and then moments this year when I have felt so defeated I had no idea how things could improve. 

There have been so many things this year that I have been happy for. I guess the main thing that has happened is that I made it into university. Surviving 7 years at the same secondary school some people would think of as torture, for me though, it was where I have made the most memories. I met people there that will hopefully stay in my life, and heck, hopefully people I will never have to see again! Getting past GCSE's, AS Levels, and then finally A Levels with good enough grades that I got into the university I wanted made me feel on top of the World! It gave me that bit of confidence that I can do something! 

Also this year I went on my first ever girls' holiday to Ibiza, and again, this was one of the best experiences ever. As a group of friends, we know each other so well, we are able to just get along for a week, in a heatwave, by the pool, and with cocktails. Having the freedom to do what we wanted, when we wanted, was amazing. Ibiza is a beautiful island as well! It is definitely somewhere I want to return to, be that to party or sight see ;)

I guess this was also the year however my life turned upside-down. Everything was so rushed and happened all at once, our family was hit head on. As a family, we lost the most important member to us, and 4 months on, I'm still trying to pull myself together. I lost a best friend, someone who I would phone most days for a gossip and share secrets. Someone who helped raise me. I have never felt so heartbroken in all my life. But I can hear her speaking to me. It might sound crazy, but if you are as close as a family as mine is, you are definitely know how people will react and what they would say in certain situations. That's what keeps me going. Every time I find myself getting upset, I know full well she'll be saying "Come on now, no more tears. Have a drink on me and have fun. But more importantly, GET YOURSELF A BOYFRIEND!" It may sound silly, but that is what keeps me going. 

I've decided though instead of the whole, 'the start of a new year is a new chapter', I don't want 2016 to be a new chapter. I want it to be a completely different book. It seems like from this point on, I want to start achieving dreams and improving as a person. I guess that's what everyone says as a New Years resolution, but it is something I need to do. These past 18 years of my life have been amazing, but they are going to be completely different from this point onwards. University means meeting new people, my family has a hole in it, and I need to embrace this.

Life is never going to be the same year to year. Some years are going to be amazing, and others awful, but these things happen. You shouldn't let life keep you down because the thing is, the number of days we have on this Earth is already determined. We never know how long we have left, a day, week, month, year, but we do know life can change in a second. You can't always be prepared for it, but I guess that makes it exciting. 

So here's to a new year, and a new book!

Girl Without a Plan, Making Plans

xoxo

Uni Life...

Hi There!

As I'm writing this, I am sitting on my bed, with the smell of Christmas Cookie Yankee Candles and watching old episodes of The Walking Dead. I have to admit, this is the most relaxed I've felt in a while. That doesn't mean I'm not drowning in work (because believe me I am!) but I have finally settled down into uni life.

So back on the 21st September, I stepped into the University of Westminster, and I have to admit, I don't know when I have ever felt so nervous. My summer ended like shit, there is no denying it, and I was definitely feeling lost. My 'Freshers Week' wasn't exactly partying, it was more getting used to travelling everyday. I didn't really talk to anyone because I'm not exactly the most outgoing person in the world. And it was then when I thought 'uni life, maybe I'm not suited to it'. I don't want to spend the next 3 years just walking around by myself, doing the work, and then straight away going home. I wanted to have friends, build relationships, go out for lunch. But now, over 1 month in, I think I have all that.

I have started to make friends. They aren't exactly my besties, they are hardly going to be over a short period of time, but they are people that I can now go and talk to if I need to. We go for lunch, we have long conversations, and I can finally admit that I have 'uni friends'. The workload here is unbelievable, like I can't believe how much stuff I have to do already! I understand why they say 'chucking you in the deep end' because uni is like a 60 foot hole that I'm still trying to climb out of. You have to be so self-motivated to actually get anything done, and this something that is going to take some work.

One of the biggest changes for me with the transition from school to university is the boys! Now that might seem strange to you, but going to an all girls school for 7 years and then now spending the next 3 years with boys, a definite effort has to be made to keep up appearances ahaha. I had no idea that boys actually do the whole open the door and let the lady walk through first, and offer to carry some stuff if your hands are full. I honestly believed boys didn't do that in real life. I think I need to be brave enough to strike up a conversation with them though, I'm definitely feeling the need for some winter cuddles ;)

Anyway, I'm going to be keeping more up to date with this blog now. I know it has been a long break, but some serious crap has been happening around here, and maybe at some point I'll share it with you, but right now, I don't think I can write it down. I'll keep you updated on the boyfriend hunt as well, maybe it's my turn to finally have someone to love me. Anywhooooooo

Girl Without a Plan, Making Plans

xoxo

Closing a Chapter

Hi There!

Now I don't mean for this post to go to deep, but it probably will. For me, it will also probably be emotional, but for you it probably won't. You never know, this might actually relate to you.

School, Sixth Form, it's all coming to an end. From today, I only have 21 days left at my Sixth Form. I will be going back for exams, but there will officially be no more lessons. The thought of even writing that down actually really makes me sad. Many people are so glad to leave and move on from school, but me, not so much. The school that I'm at, I've been there for 7 years! I've grown up there! And I can't believe I am leaving. Now I'm not saying that my years there have been easy because believe me, there have definitely been a lot of up and down moments, but there have also been a lot of good memories made. I have met some of the best people in my life there, and the fact that soon I'm not going to see them everyday devastates me.

I went into my secondary school with a solid group of friends. We had been friends for a while, and we were mostly sorted into the same form. I have to admit, I probably spent the last week of that summer holiday crying because I didn't want to change schools and I wanted everything to stay the same. But after the first week, secondary school seemed like the best thing in the world. I got to spend so much more time with my friends as the days were longer and we got to spend more time together between lessons. I felt like I knew everything about them! And then as the years went by, this friendship grew and grew, and I felt as a group we would never be separated. We managed to survive so many years without a proper argument it was amazing. GCSE's came around and we were all stressed out. But you know what got me through them, these friends. We managed to somehow keep each of us calm, and we somehow laughed our way through our GCSE's. I think you need this solid group of friends. If you aren't the most sociable one, find someone who is just as awkward as you and try and start a conversation with them. Normally they are the most interesting people :)

But then that was the end of it. The friendship, failed. There was no big argument, no massive fallout, not a lot of gossip, but as a group, we wanted different things. Some people wanted to have more a laugh, start living a life, do unplanned things. While others wanted to knuckle down and focus on school and work and the future. Our group split. This was one of the lowest points. I felt like I shared so much with this group, and I shared so many personal things with them, and it pretty much means nothing now. Honestly, I felt I wouldn't be able to adjust to sixth form. We all ended up going to the same sixth form, but we didn't talk. And for 2 years, we still haven't. In a way I don't really mind because I now have a new group of friends, but spending so many years with the same people and just about managing to say 'Hello!' to them when you see them in the corridor is hard. 

Even though this happened, as I have said, it has happened for a reason. That reason is I have now formed the closest bond with my friendship group now, we are inseparable. My group of friends now, we all have the same goal. We want to live every day as children. We don't want to grow up and act like adults. We want to be able to act stupid, and have a laugh, and not care what everyone else thinks. And that is exactly what we do. I don't think I have ever laughed so much than I have over the past 2 years. And that is why it breaks my heart that by September, we are all going our separate ways. We are all going across the country, spreading ourselves around for uni (but not me because honestly, how would my parents survive without me!!). I don't want to not see my friends everyday. Some people in that group I have been friends with since I was 4, and being separated for months on end, that just seems like hell. They've seen the best and worst of me. Others haven't seen that, I don't think I want anyone else to. 

But I guess that's what happens. We are still all going to be a friendship group. No matter what the distance, we are still the same people, and we will still have this close bond that we probably won't be able to make with anyone else. Personally, I don't really want to close this chapter and start a new one. I like where I'm at now, I'm comfortable. But I guess comfortable isn't good, it's safe. University is a new chapter, and it will be just as good as the old one. It will be completely different and unexpected, but that's what makes it interesting. I have no idea how the next 3 years of my life are going to plan out, but hey, I don't know what the next couple of days are going to bring. But I know what I want to do. I want to make sure that I live everyday like it's my last, and make sure that I am making memories everyday. I'm not going to be 17 for long (18 in a couple of days!) I will officially be an adult. But that doesn't mean that I have to act like one, and neither do you. People need to live a little.

That wasn't as deep as I thought! That could have gone a heck of a lot worse. There are so many more things that I want to write about with my time at secondary school, but I guess that is living in the past, and I don't want to do that. I know a lot of this probably won't help any of you, and it's more of like a closure thing for me. But at some point if you haven't gone through this chapter yet, you will. And you will know how it feels. My advice, don't wish your childhood away because you only get one. When people say the school years are the best years of your life, I totally agree with them (and that's not because I don't know anything other than school) I actually have had the best 7 years of my life. 

You want to know a quote that I feel everyone should go by,

"You don't stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing."

Maybe everyone needs a little laughter in their life, and one wish for all of you, don't wish your life away. Make as many memories as you can while you are at school as they will remain with you for the rest of your life. Life is like a book. You do have a beginning, a middle, and an end. I'm just about starting the middle of my book and I can't wait for what it has to come. 

Girl Without A Plan, Making Plans

xoxo