Losing Someone Who Was Never Really There...

Hey There!

I feel like every time I have a heart-to-heart post it gets more and more depressing, and if I'm honest, that's just how my life is going at the moment. 

So on the 8th of July 2016 at 1:30am I lost my Grandad peacefully in his sleep. I did not know until the morning when I heard my Dad get a phonecall at around 6am, and I knew exactly as I heard that phone ring that my heart was going to break that day, again. When my Mum and Dad came into my bedroom, sat on my bed, and broke the news, I cried for a while. Anyone would who had just lost their Grandad, as well as their Nan within the same year. But then I had a little smile on my face because I realised they would be together again. I can imagine what they are like together, as I was lucky enough to get 18 long years of seeing them together, so I can picture my Nan moaning at my Grandad to get the ironing done and about what took him so long to get up there! 

I can imagine you're thinking, "what does the title of this blog post have to do with anything?", but don't you worry, I will tell you. My Grandad suffered with Alzheimer's. Anyone who knows someone with this disease knows how much of a struggle it is to see someone suffer like this. They start to lose their on identity, and it is like they are already passing away in front of your eyes but their body is still with you. He suffered with this disease for a number of years, so I guess you can say I started to lose my Grandad about 6 years ago. I could see he wasn't himself, even if I was only 13 and just about understanding what was going on. He wasn't the man I grew up with and used to go on holiday with so I guess I have been able to prepare myself for this day for a number of years. 

In July last year, just over a year ago to this day, my Nan had her first heart attack, and this was when we first thought about putting my Grandad in care. After much discussion the family went with the idea, and believe me when I say this, it helped. As a family, we didn't understand the strain of looking after him for my Nan, and it is something we wished we had done months, maybe years even, before. Obviously for a while the focus was on my Nan in the family because she was the one who needed the care and the looking after as she was now living on her own. But then once she passed, we knew we had to step up for my Grandad. 

Personally, once he went in the home I did not go and visit him. I couldn't put myself through that. I knew he wouldn't know who I was, and I couldn't have my heart break any more through that. Seeing my Grandad the last times I did, I just about recognised him as the man who cared for me and always pushed me to achieve my goals. My Mum and Dad tried to visit him once a week, or at least every fortnight, and they found it tough as they were seeing him lose himself and get worse and worse. We were all prepared for him to pass. We knew he was getting worse and the home told us to start preparing ourselves, and that is something I wasn't prepared to do. I had just lost my Nan, who was probably the closest person I have ever been to and will ever be to, and I didn't want to lose another Grandparent. They practically raised me for crying out loud! So these past few days I have been living in a constant anxious state waiting for a phonecall for the news, and getting that phonecall was a relief this morning because I knew he was in a better place with my Nan. 

I guess what I am trying to say from this post is that losing someone who you never really saw, or who was never really there, is tough. It hurts exactly the same. But losing someone to Alzimier's over such a long period of time can be extremely painful. You are losing them for years at a much slower pace, and if that person is in a home, it is okay if you don't see them that or often, or at all. It is nice to remember someone for how they used to be. You want to remember them when there were happy times, and there was not the constant worry of what could happen next. No one is judging you for how you deal with the situation. We all cope in different ways, and I guess for me, leaving my Grandad with how I used to remember him is how I wanted it to be. I'd much rather remember playing crazy golf with him and doing crossword puzzles round his kitchen table, than him not knowing who I was and not being able to understand a word of what he was saying. 

I'm going to end this with a quote that I think best describes this situation right now. Some of you may be going through the same kind of thing, or some may have just lost a loved one. We can all be there for each other in one way or another, just remember that.

When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure. 

Girl Without A Plan, Making Plans

xoxo